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On Not Letting Go

Telling someone who is dealing with an emotionally charged issue to “Let it go” is not okay. I know in this day and age we’re supposed to be all enlightened and spiritual and shit but using this phrase as a response to someone else’s pain is absolute crap.

When someone says to me “Why don’t you just let it go?” what I hear is “there’s something wrong with you if you are still dealing with this” and “I don’t want to listen to you anymore”. There is nothing wrong with processing and we’ll choose to let it go when we’re damned good and ready.

Too often “letting it go” is conflated with “just ignore it and it will sort itself out” (spoiler alert: it won’t) or “this isn’t really worth your time and energy” (I’ll be the judge of that, thank you). Sometimes we need to sit with something until we’ve learned what we were suppose to learn from it, make a change and then, and only then, do we choose to let it go.

It’s not about being unforgiving or unable to moving forward. It’s about figuring out how to get out of the mud when our wheels are spinning. If I’m talking to you about something bothering me, I’m asking for your help or maybe just your time. If you can’t or don’t want to help or give your time, that’s okay, just say so. But don’t ask me why I’m in the mud or tell me to walk away from the car.

We need to be careful with our words. “Let it go” has become part of our vernacular but it is a powerful phrase that one can only use for oneself. It will never be something we can do because someone told us to.

You Say You’re Stuck and I Think That’s Perfect

You Say You’re Stuck and I Think That’s Perfect

Sometimes in conversation I hear people say they feel like they’re stuck. Stuck in their job, stuck in their relationships, stuck with who they live with, stuck in the same place again and again and my response is always “Perfect!” (and then they look at me like I’m bat-shit crazy, which I’m used to). I’m not saying that being stuck is the greatest feeling on earth, I’m saying that identifying the fact that you’re feeling stuck is perfect.

Why perfect? Because I know from my own experience that identifying the stuck feeling always happens right before the Big Change. It means there is a desire for options to get out of whatever it is that doesn’t fit, is causing you grief, isn’t serving you or is so far out of alignment of where you want to be going you might as well be on Mars.

When I’m stuck I can’t see the options…but I want them. It’s feeling like if I knew what the choices were I would have made one by now but I’m so lost in the stuckness I can’t see anything. This is when I call on someone who will just listen. Someone who won’t offer advice, won’t give their opinion, won’t judge, won’t explain what we’re doing wrong, they just listen.

It’s in this space that the choices we need to make to get unstuck are found. The choices (whether we like them or not) are all inside us but we will never see them unless we start getting all the shit out of our heads and out in the open. That’s when the options become plentiful (which I find to be a total pain in the ass sometimes) but more importantly, the choice you need to make becomes clear.

Stuck is just the place you’re in right before you get unstuck.